25.

I don’t usually read back on my entries, I certainly don’t proof read them - I always say it’s because I want it to be raw, which is partly true but to be honest once it’s all out I don’t think it would be beneficial for me to read back through it, especially when I’ve been having a hard time. I’ve only ever had to go back in and have a little read and edit of things a few times (and it’s usually because Mum or Luka tell me I’ve written something that makes zero sense or I’ve forgotten what day, year or what my middle name is or something stupid)... my memory loss has been getting faaaaaairly bloody bad and I think that’s a combination of my medications, pain, ridiculous sleeping habits and the fact that I have spent several years burying all of the bad things that have happened to me so I probably choose to forget a fair whack of stuff too. I’ll update you all on my physical health shit later but I think it’s about time I take you on a tiny ride down the rabbit hole... this will probably be a mess, I’ve just unpacked these ‘boxes’ of pretty shitty/fucked up stuff that I have totally buried and honestly it worked pretty well for a while and the boxes were so secure I never had to deal with or process what I had filled them up with, quite possibly to my own detriment, to be honest there has been so many things I have found I had totally blocked out and acknowledging that these things have happened to me and I haven’t told anyone has been pretty bloody strange to deal with. I guess I should warn my family and close friends that a lot of this is going to be hard to read, I can only assume that I buried all of this for not only my benefit, but for the benefit of those closest to me as well. I am however still going to continue not to name names and whatever I end up writing is definitely not going to follow the timeline of all the events, relationships and whatever the fuck else I talk about. I’ve spent a very long time taking the high road and although the view can look pretty shit sometimes, it’s much better than being in the gutter with a lot of these people.... it’s much better trying to be a good friend and person and it’s much better to keep my head up and be proud of how I have handled some horrible things (including torment from *growned ups* who need their internet licence taken away and daily therapy) In the interests of not beating around the bush and also having no idea how to even start writing this I’m just going to go all in with a fairly broad blanket statement. So, take a seat and grab an alcohol or a cup of tea. 

This is the suck ⬇️ Hi, my name is Peta and I have spent the last 10 years of my life in emotionally, physically and sexually abused in relationships. Not all of the terms are applicable to each relationship but they have all taken place at some point, in the relationship with Melbournes most praised sociopath, well that particular relationship scored the hat trick. I guess I should also add that not all of the sexual assaults or abuse has happened whilst in a relationship, after going through all of the things I had locked away and repressed, I have been truly overwhelmed that I have managed to have worked out that I’ve been sexually assaulted or raped by both male and females a minimum of 10 times... I can say with total honesty that I have only just worked this out over the past few weeks and I’m dealing and not dealing with it, I’ll obviously be going back to the psych about it now I know about it and will also maybe try to discuss all of the other things that I have buried so I can just live, but this time I will be opening the boxes up, grabbing one little thing out and handling that. Once I was aware these boxes existed I kept finding more and I kept ripping them open to find endless nightmares. I’ve had to put them back away, but I will deal with it all as I see necessary and when I believe it will be most beneficial to myself and those around me. 

If you know me in real life, you’ll know I’ve always been stubborn and sarcastic, that I definitely used to be headstrong and confident I sincerely can now see that strength slowly coming back....if I’m not confident I’ve perfected a facade over time to keep up a front regardless, I’m not sure who it benefited but ya know, I’m a total stubborn jerk no matter what, however I still allowed myself to get stuck in these relationships no matter how toxic, abusive or totally fucking boring they were at the time and this might seem odd to those of you with functioning brains, but I am struggling to understand how I allowed myself to put myself into that position and continue to stay in these horrible relationships, even though my gut knew that I was making a poor choice, I had an amazing, fulfilling, loving and stable childhood and upbringing and the only thing I can possibly consider that led me down this path was the fairly traumatising bullying I suffered in the last few years of school.... although after a few years I credited the bullying for helping me become so confident and headstrong once I had left school.... what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right? lol you know that quote is actually so damn dumb. Don’t say it. Cheers I’m working on convincing myself that being heavily manipulated or similar for alot of the trauma doesn’t mean I wanted it to happen and it really is not my fault and the same goes for the one-off incidents, whilst I wish my fight or flight kicked in, I was taken advantage of time and time again and the person I am cannot for the life of me process how I allowed it to happen, for now I’m just working on not blaming myself.

Anyway, it turns out that I’d just chucked a whole ton of stuff into my first magical box of not dealing with things and I guess that’s where that habit started - it worked the first time so I just spent over a decade doing the exact same thing and I honestly don’t know if I would have found so many traumas totally locked away and not dealt with them at all if I hadn’t come across an opportunity where I wanted someone to know everything that had happened in my past as I assumed that they had heard some very very different stories about me.....  

All I will say though is that repressing so much for so long may have gotten me through things at the time, but I have left myself with endless traumas which I have neither acknowledged nor even attempted to process so I guess that wasn’t a super great habit to start, but I know about it now at least!  

This is not the suck ⬇️

Okay so you know when you watch a totally fucked up horror movie and you’re so scared you have to watch like a magical Disney movie with a magical happy ending after, well,  that’s a pretty good way to describe how my life was and how my life is going now... and I’m pretty stoked about it. 

I warned you this would be a mess so please allow me to back, back, back it up a little? And let you guys know more about my very own superhero... prince?! Who gave me my own Disney story... 

So yep, I’ve actually gone done and got my very own superhero, so blog humans, after convincing myself I would spend the rest of my life alone, and putting all of my effort into trying to repay my family, and not just spend my days trying to help as many people I could with their mental health and I guess maybe sort of hoping something good would happen and maybe my daily pain might piss off eventually..... well.. anyway. I have sincerely never ever been happier, felt so loved, trusting (and trusted), attractive, purposeful and cared for despite like ya know all the other stuff that has come up at the same time. I certainly wasn’t looking for anyone nor didn I believe that someone would want to or be able to care so deeply for someone in my situation. Let me tell you a bit about him, if you’re still here. I met Josh when I was 22 and first moved to Melbourne and I was an astronomical bitch and was totally oblivious to his attempts to level up our friendship.... or I was being a bitch...... regardless I think I was just a jerk constantly and he didn’t deserve it, he has had a really shitty time too and it breaks my heart to think about it but I am, however, beyond happy that he stuck around and we reconnected (very very fast).. We both maintain we were both massive assholes when we were younger and as much as I wish neither of us suffered through so much truly awful acts by others (and honestly neither of us will ever say we were an angel) I truly believe we were supposed to wait. Also..... He is in Melbourne and I’m not and that sucks more than words but it has just given me back the strength and want to fight to get better totally and that was something I was losing at a fairly scary rate. It’s been just over a month but we have managed to keep sneaking back across the big dumb Bass Strait so we have managed to clock up a fair whack of time together but leaving is a real kick in the dick (or heart I guess) So, You know in all those stupid movies when people know that they want to spend the rest of their life with someone in 48 hours. Yeah that has happened.. to me. I GOT THAT, I have one of the good ones!! God damn I am going to continue to work my arse off to make him as happy as he has made me. Also, it’s been fairly staggering to see how much my mental health has played a role in my ability to work with my pain, can assure you there hasn’t been a magical cure, I still have to sort out a lot of shit and it’s pretty likely I’m going to be getting back to Melbourne as soon as I can and all Josh wants to do is make me happy, look after me and help me to get as healthy as I can possibly can - he wants me to feel like a queen and he is already going above and beyond for me already, so I have my very own superhero or King and I never knew a relationship could be so fufiling and full of love! *pause for a shoutout to the good karma I never thought I’d get* Okay I said was going to talk about how everything is going with my physical health but I think this is waaaaaaaay tooo long already. But here you go, my head still hurts a bloody ton but my heart feels full and I can’t thank you all enough for sticking around and believing and drilling into me that I would eventually be happy 

again. It also means a health blog will be coming up soon! Sorry I’ve been awol and stuck in my love bubble but it means a health blog will be about soon! LASTLY. Please please continue to message me if you need someone to talk to, it’s not a hassle, it is truly what I want to do with my spare time. I’m willing to say I am pretty bloody good at it, I’m a shit ton better at dealing with other people’s problems and talking shit out than my own so please please feel free to contact me. So much love (for reals) Peta xo 

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