20.

I don’t know if I have much to talk about guys, but I got that feeling and when it comes I usually run with it.

Sooo after my last entry and the fail of the nerve blocks and everything I have been in a real slump and I sunk into a pretty gnarly depressive episode, I spent about 5 (I think) days in bed refusing to eat or drink (how very adult of me) I eventually came to the conclusion that it might have been because of the duromine my GP had prescribed (with approval from my psych) to help me with the weight from the Lyrica but I didn’t want to give up... turns out Mum hadn’t actually put the duromine in my morning meds that week so I was just having a good old fashioned depressive episode which finally ended on Thursday where I got up, shaved my head, had a very very intensive shower and made a phone call to my favourite friend Centrelink.

They had sent me a letter that they had cut me off because I hadn’t done what they had asked and contacted them about a ‘job plan’ the frustrating thing is that I had done that and I had also previously (two fucking months ago) met with the registered nurse who took two pages of notes and assessed me, said I would not have to worry about looking for work for a year and although it wasn’t her department and she couldn’t help she definitely thought I should be on disability and not Newstart.

This report was supposed to be assessed by some other department and this just never happened so they just cut me off. Cool.

I am totally aware I am very lucky and I am in a situation where I do not have to rely on these payments because of my incredible parents who are supporting me 100% even when I am being a horrible gross human they still try their absolute hardest to help and make sure I am never without anything. I say again, I am very very lucky and I cannot thank them enough. I cannot imagine being in my situation and relying on the miniscule Newstart payments but I just don’t have it in me to start the fight with disability again right now.

Isn’t it funny that for Newstart I got to sit down with a nurse to see if I was medically fit but for disability someone in a cubicle adds up points (yes points like my health is some sort of game) that I have to reach to be eligible. We did that. They closed my case with no correspondence anyway.

So just quickly, Centrelink kindly get stuffed. You need a complete overhaul and to start treating humans like humans and not a number (except for the nurse, she was so so lovely)

I missed all of my appointments last week because I was a bit busy willing myself to want to be alive and couldn’t get out of bed but I am doing a lot better and although I haven’t left the house I have been up and doing some stuff and also managed to kind of have some sort of personal breakthrough with the help of my fellow sister wives this week which has been really amazing. Having a couple of bad arse girls by your side who have all been through something with you is truly amazing and I cannot thank either of them enough for their endless love, support and wisdom.

Migraine wise, I don’t really have much to say. They are still daily Dickheads and sometimes they are daily Fuckheads. But luckily I at least don’t have to worry about my medication being cut off.

At the moment I’m going to try and focus on getting back into a routine of going to my appointments regularly and not letting anxiety win, which of course is infinitely easier said than done.

It’s kind of frustrating to want to help yourself and go to chiro and physio and psych appointments and then your mind just doesn’t let you, my anxiety doesn’t seem to be the same as everyone else’s.... I don’t think of things that could go wrong or worry about anything like that.. it’s just kind of more like a physical thing it almost always gives me a migraine and it just feels physically impossible for me to leave the house... sometimes I’ll make it to the shower and I’ll get out and go straight back to bed and Mum has to cancel my appointments.

To be honest some days it sounds mire like agoraphobia than anxiety but it is really just panic and chest pain and then a stress induced migraine purely at the thought of leaving my bed.

If I make it to my psych I’m going to try and work on that more, I’ve never been one to be afraid to get out of my comfort zone. I’ve bungee jumped I should be able to go to the bloody doctor right?

Anyway, this might be the most boring thing I have ever written. But if you haven’t been able to leave the house for a few weeks you kinda don’t have much to say.

As always, lemme know if you need to chat - it’s infinitely easier than fixing my own issues and it genuinely feels good to be able to support and be a sounding board for someone when they need it.

I have recently connected with an old friend recently and we have been having some great chats about everything and I said to him ‘if all I ever manage in my life is to be a bloody good friend then I am okay with that’

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Love and glitter

Peta xo

this photo is like just the tiniest bit different to the last due to the whole not leaving the house thing, but I am asleep on my feet so it is suitable

I meant to include the above image earlier, sometimes when I speak to people who are also suffering they say things like "It's nothing compared to what you are going through" and I almost always refer to this image, I do not see my pain and suffering as any more important than yours, you and your issues matter just as much as mine and I truly 100% believe this and it is why I am always happy and willing to try and help others if and when I can <3

#migraine #australia #Chronicillness #Chronicdailyheadache #chronicmigraine #cubitaltunnelsyndrome #invisibleillness #mentalhealth #neuropathy #surgery #mentalillness