13.
- Peta Hills
- Sep 14, 2017
- 4 min read
Hi!
I'm in Melbourne, so far, so good.
I have only cancelled one set of plans (I'm sorry Alex and Luke have the best holiday xo) but it was due to post tattoo exhaustion and not anxiety so that's a good thing!
I've managed to see my best mate everyday because I am sleeping at his house and I've seen a few of my other best humans too.
Tomorrow I get to hang out with some very important ladies, we are all very nervous and we are all very excited but this is again a situation I am going to be vague about, I choose to be open and raw or whatever about MY life but that sure as heck doesn't give me the right to tell their stories too, even if I am part of that story.
I haven't managed to find the fairy bread icecreams yet- I was hoping for at least one box but through my communications with Bulla (I have a heap of spare time to hassle them about sprinkles) Coles have pulled the product, Woolies never had it and I'm kinda on my own when it comes to IGA. (If you are Northside and see a box, purchase them and I will pay for them to be Ubered to me, just so I can remember what happiness tastes like one more time in my life.
Alright, we all know why I am blogging today, it's stupid bloody R U OK day again. If you read this blog on the regular, it's okay I know you're not one of the shit ones, I know you care and I know you make an effort for me and for your other friends and family too.
Anyway, funnily enough nobody has actually asked me how I am - okay well Mia did when we had lunch today but she meant health/centrelink hell wise and we have a very good open relationship with both of our mental health issues anyway (ps I love you & I am so proud and happy to see how much better you are doing 💜)
I would like to think people are getting better at being open about mental illness. I sure as hell am, I have a bunch of people who message me when they are having a hard time and I don't take that responsibility lightly. If someone has worked up the courage to talk to you about their issues, please know it took every single fibre of their being to do so, so if you can't be for them 100% then make sure you help find them the support they need - but they came to you for a reason and I don't think anyone reading this would be that kind of friend anyway. (Look at me, rambling!)
Ugh okay back to me. The lyrica made me fat. I cut it cold turkey, I want to set it on fire, as I said previously I see zero point in giving me pain medication that will cause another health issue. (trust me if I kept going I was on the fast track to obesity and guess what, that would have caused more pain!)
But, before I found out it was the lyrica, I stopped taking my thyroid medication because I thought that was to blame... it wasn't! It was, however, what had stopped me from having my period for three months and stopping it very kindly unleashed hell from my baby maker.
If you know me well enough, I've gone into graphic detail but I'll just tell you guys that I was very sick, very sore, very bedridden and I very had to cancel my fucking nerve blocks because I couldn't leave my bathroom.
They are rescheduled for the 29th so let's hope my body decides to play along and stop sabotaging my plans to feel better.
When I'm home I am going to have to ring Centrelink and begin the shit fight about disability again, I did exactly what they wanted and by the looks of my online account my claim has completely disappeared even though it should still be with the tribunal as I gave them further evidence from a previous doctor.
I've been thinking a lot lately about work, like it's basically nearly been a year since I had to stop working.. since my illnesses fucked me over and I lost the job of a lifetime because I couldn't get out of bed.
It's been upsetting me (am currently crying because of typing this) heaps that I feel like I have no purpose, I hate fighting Centrelink when I would rather be healthy and happy and normal and working.
But I'm not. I can't sleep without sedation and I can't leave the house without anxiety medication and I can't get through a day without pain relief and Christ knows what I am going to do if these nerve blocks don't make a difference.
Anyway, I've upset myself too much for one night. I'm trying to let my light shine a little and relax and enjoy being home and see all of my friends and that's not going to happen if I continue with this train of thought.
Also, I went to AFI and I sang and danced and my head didn't hurt (because I think pain medication and a sneaky drink would make it pretty hard for a migraine to win.... and no I'm not going to start drinking everyday I think realistically I was just lucky and then I slept lots)
Melbourne family, I fly out on the 20th at about 2.00pm.
Enquire through usual methods for bookings.
And to my friends fighting the black dog that follows way too many of us around, I am always here, but you know that..because I am waaaaaay better at looking after and loving my friends than I am myself and I don't think it's a bad thing.
Peta xo

Ps: I'm just as tired as I look 💤
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