9.

So I was thinking I really didn't have anything to blog about today but still had this overwhelming feeling that I should. This blog is supposed to be about my journey but I wanted to come here and mention Chester Bennington, the lead singer of Linkin Park (a band I grew up with and last saw in 2013) sadly taking his life last night. 

Most articles and people who knew Chester personally have said that he battled Mental Health Issues, as well as having issues with drugs and alcohol. Chester has left behind a partner and 8 kids and that is so fucking sad. It is sad when anyone feels that they are enough of a burden on their friends and family that it would be better if they are gone, but unfortunately because of the stigma around mental health issues (especially in men) people are too scared or mostly, too embarrassed, ashamed or exhausted to ask for help. 

Mental health is going to be talked about a lot for a few days, people will share the phone number for beyond blue and lifeline, other people will call him a coward (those people should go fuck themselves and think themselves lucky that they have not had to experience the pain he must have been in to make such a horrible choice) people will say they are always there if you want to talk and then, it'll stop again. 

Sufferers will go back to feeling like a burden to their otherwise successful and happy friends and families. We will go back to thinking that maybe the most brave we could ever be would be when we too decide to just give up. Because that is what we think about, we aren't just a bit sad, we feel worthless and until you truly know what that feels like... well fuck I hope you don't ever have to feel like that if you are reading this because it is a long road back and I only feel like I have taken one step and then I have fallen on my arse and not moved since.

Urgh, my chest hurts so that is enough about that,

Let's talk about poo.

I just gave myself my third enema this week, it's funny because when I was in Melbourne I was so sick that I was going to the toilet upwards of 12 times a day and it was just liquid... gross hey? The good thing about having tattoos is that you always have some Bepanthen around the house.

But now I am on a bunch of medications that block that shit RIGHT up (heh) 

I remember in an earlier post I listed my meds so lets do an update

(some vitamins and probiotics that the pain doctor has me on to improve my gut health because your gut health has a lot to do with your everything health) 

Pristiq (the devils antidepressant, it no longer works and the withdrawals are so bad I cannot stop taking it, eventually I will probably have to go to hospital to withdraw from it so I can either go on something new, or maybe one day I will try yoga or going for a walk and I will just feel better)

Lyrica x2 two times daily (if you think I am getting off my arse to get the dosages of these you are so wrong, but this is for neuropathic pain, so hopefully as we keep upping my dose [we are doing it slowly so I am awake sometimes] we can lower the Oxy because who wants to be addicted to a Narcotic when they are already a bit crazy?)

Movalis x1 once daily (it is an anti inflammatory for my TMJ aka hell jaw)

Ausran x 1 twice daily (because I have had stomach ulcers before I am not supposed to take anti-inflammatories this is to protect my tum from perforating)

Oxycondone 20mg (I will give you the dose for this one so you know how much my head hurts) usually twice daily, sometimes three if my migraine is having a special day.

Panadol Rapid (to make the Oxy go faaaassstttt)

Palexia x1 twice daily (also a narcotic, slow release to take the edge off my pain all day)

Euroxstig x 1 daily (this is my hormone for my Hypothyroidism, we don't really know how that is going until my next blood test, I don't think I have been as cold lately though!) 

and I am finishing with this so I can tell a story

Belsomra x1 (sometimes two) once daily (this is my brand spanking new sleeping tablet, I had to stop taking Stilnox because I started having blackouts and I am not just talking my online shopping binges where I woke up to an email saying I had spent $380 on Peppermayo (I used to have Afterpay, I had to contact them to block my account)

I actually lost (that I know of) four whole days of my life and I didn't sleep through them, I was up doing stuff like driving (this is the first one that ever happened and we didn't realise for like a month that it had happened) signing a new phone contract (mum was with me she just thought I was being weird and I needed a new phone)

A couple more happened, I was with Mum so I was safe, I was just kind of a zombie and we just had to wait for the drug to wear off and then afterwards I would get upset because I could not remember a thing that happened that day.

They kinda got worse when I moved home, the last one I had was the worst and the most upsetting, the day the removalists (fucken finally) came with my furniture from Melbourne, Mum said when she got here I was outside at 6am getting wood for the fire, I helped direct boxes, I put a bed together with my Dad, I assume I ate and did a million other things and all I remember from that day is one single flash of memory of putting the bed together and Dad and I laughing about something.... but NOTHING else, not the faces of the removalists, talking to anyone, what we did with Rambo while they were here (apparently I was holding his lead so he couldn't run off and just dropped it at one stage)

So yeah, I had been on Stilnox for months (it isn't recommended but it was the only thing that made me sleep. It also gave me a nice floaty feeling which I kinda miss but I also don't want that crazy shit to happen ever again.

(remember when Grant Hackett was running around Crown Casino in his undies and doesn't remember - that was Stilnox, they call it Ambien in the states and you always hear people mentioning it in movies.

But yeah, my GP obviously didn't want me to come off Stilnox and not be able to sleep so did his research and Belsomra had JUST been released onto the market and it works, admittedly it isn't as 'strong' as Stilnox and I top it up with a couple of phenergan to knock me out because along with my Insomnia I have this cool thing called sleep dread and basically I don't want to fall asleep because I have nightmares every bloody night of my life. 

OH MY GOD THIS IS SO LONG

I would like to end this with a little shout out to a lady I will just call M - she has just started her journey into dealing with her anxiety that as been crippling her for years all because of my silly little blog. I am sending you nothing but love and strength and I know you are going to do so well, I am so so SO proud of you x

Love and lavender 

P xo 

(and for the love of god, please remember I do not proof read this but if you know me, I will edit if I have truly fucked something.... like my age last week haha) 

#migraine #australia #Chronicillness #Chronicdailyheadache #chronicmigraine #cubitaltunnelsyndrome #invisibleillness #mentalhealth #neuropathy #surgery #mentalillness